


just off the key of reason

by goandneverlookback



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, Mistakes, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 15:21:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30124818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goandneverlookback/pseuds/goandneverlookback
Summary: she shouldn't still miss her this much**this is shit and I'll probably rewrite it or take it down but right now i'm l o n e l y so deal with it
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	just off the key of reason

"Look, I'm not saying....I just..." She runs a hand through her hair, grasping a handful at the roots. The words are spinning and spinning and spinning through her brain but none of them are making their way out through her mouth. She tugs at the way her red hoodie hangs off her thinning frame. It fit when she got it, last fucking summer. "You could come out here. Get away for a while." Her heart fights with her brain and her brain fights with itself and the words come out all at once, choppy and rushed, or they don't come out at all. _"You should be here with me,"_ she wants to say. _"You don't have to stay in that fucked up hellhole of a workplace, of a city, of a state."_ No. Not the city. Not the city that was theirs. Not the miles of sidewalks they traversed together, talking about anything and everything. Not the gay bar they went to together and the line between friends and more was hazy. Not the swings in the park on a sunny afternoon and the city bench after dark where the line blurred even further, where they bared their souls to each other. _"I'm sorry I left you there. I'm sorry I said no. I'm sorry it's been a year and I'm still too much of a coward to tell you all the things I feel when I think of you, now that I have the luxury of not being afraid of who I am."_ All the things she wants to say echo through her brain, spinning so fast she feels like she's drowning. There's silence on both ends of the phone. Excuses, reasons hang in the air between them. There are bills to pay, schools to apply for, families to take care of. Well, family. Not everyone can be so cold as to move hundreds and hundreds of miles away. And maybe it's for the best, she thinks. Because the dull ache in her chest has sharpened into vice grip, the same way it does every couple of weeks, every time she gets a message "missing you a little extra today," "have I told you this week that I miss you?" And her defenses crumble. She wants to take her in her arms and keep her safe and never let go. But she can't. And even if she could she is afraid to. Because what happens if she sees her again and wraps her arms around her neck and holds on for dear life like she so wants to? What will she say if she begins to shake like she does so often now? What will she say when she feels too small in her strong, warm, caring arms? What will she say? What will she think? What if she can't fool her that she's making it in this big city like she always swore she would? Time seems to have stalled for hours as her brain races but the clock shows it's barely been a minute. And so she changes the conversation, brings up something else, something lighter, something that doesn't have a voice of reason shouting from both of their heads to both of their hearts. On the other end of the line there's a mother calling for dinner, and they hang up the phone. It feels too short. It's okay. She'll go back to lingering a little long on any snap showing her smile, warming her empty heart. She can live with the memory of her voice until the next rare moment their schedules align. She stares out the window at the city that feels so, so big, and inside she feels oh so small. She can feel herself fading and hasn't decided yet if she cares to stop it. 

**Author's Note:**

> we're all lonely and queer here. thanks for reading. love you all <3


End file.
